The Hidden Secrets Of Men (women not allowed)

We asked six guys to hang out in a room together, then we stuffed them with food, offered some wine, and told them they could discuss anything—women, love, sex. If you’d like to know what men say about us when we’re not around, this is a good place to find out.

WHAT MEN WANT

It would be hard to find a group of Black men more diverse. From the executive to the chemist to the award-winning screenwriter-actor, ages 23 to 45, they represent much of the wide, glorious spectrum of Black manhood. As they gathered last March in a midwestern hotel conference room, they brought humor and congeniality to the session, but they were also humbled by the seriousness of their mission. Aware that they are often misunderstood and rarely heard on issues of intimacy, the men bared big chunks of their souls on topics like love, sex and porn. The discussion was moderated by writer NICK CHILES, coauthor with his wife, Denene Millner, of several best-selling books on relationships. Their latest book is the novel A Love Story (Dutton). He reported, “Even though they weren’t sitting at the table, our women still managed to maintain a strong presence in the room.”

THE MEN

Harold: 23, college student, single. He looks like NBA star LeBron James. Khalid: 27, chemist, single; resembles Ice Cube. George: 30, entertainment promoter; has lived with his girlfriend for two years; one child with girlfriend, two children from a previous relationship. Celeb twin: Hill Harper. Greg: 38, screenwriter-actor-personal trainer, married ten years, one child. Reminds you of Ving Rhames. Malachi: 45, order-fulfillment specialist, never married. Celeb clone: Terrence Howard. Marcus: 45, hospital executive, married 12 years, one child with his wife, a stepdaughter from his wife’s previous relationship;

“WHAT PLACE DOES LOVE HAVE IN YOUR LIFE?”

Marcus: Let me get mine out of the way. It’s good, but it’s probably not there at the same level that my wife would think of love. I just think Venus and Mars have two different definitions. I think of one thing as love, and she’s thinking of something else. I don’t buy the flowers, and I’m always missing Valentine’s Day and birthdays. But I still say I love her.

Malachi: And I’m the exact opposite. I’m the flower guy. I’m the letter guy.

Khalid: You’re the letter guy?

Malachi: Yeah, I’m the surprise guy. That’s why I’m so perfect. She’s gonna get those flowers for her birthday. She’s gonna get a note left someplace that makes her think, How’d he get that there? But right now I wish I felt that feeling. I want to get married. But I’ve got to feel that feeling.

George: My grandfather told me love is another four-letter word like f– and hate, and I’ve always held on to that. I feel family love. But I don’t feel romantic love.

Harold: I’m going to be honest with you guys, I don’t know what love is. I thought I was in love, but I don’t know what it is, I really don’t. I have a lot of love for my family, but love in a relationship? I don’t know it–I’m 23.

Greg: It’s mainly what you want it to be. For me, it’s living a life with the woman I feel is my soul mate. I still do flowers, but I think that’s just part of my expression of it. The basis of it is what we have together.

“WHAT MAKES A KEEPER?”

Khalid: How many times she called that week. [Laughter] if she called 50 times, she’s not a keeper. Case in point: I do a mentoring program downtown at one of the colleges, and I was prepping for my grad-school exams. I met a young lady, and I gave her my number and said, “Hey, you know, you’re cool, but I got my exams coming up on Saturday. Call me next week. Not like I’m trying to be rude, but I’m on my way to the library right now.” Two hours later my phone rang. And I’m thinking, Okay, I’m in the library. I’m not even going to think about it. Later on that night my phone rang again. Then I answered it, “Hello.” I was like, “Little lady, I thought I told you to call me next week…. I’m studying. Don’t bother me no more. I’ll talk to you next weekend.” Then the next day, the phone rang…. [Laughter]

Nick: She wasn’t a keeper.

Khalid: No, she got cut real quick.

Malachi: Recently I’ve had some keepers. I’ve been in a relationship for more than nine years; there was one for five and then a three-year. They were keepers. It was me that was the issue. So sometimes it has nothing to do with the fact that they come to the table with this beautiful package.

Nick: Some women would say, “Okay, you’re 45, and you’re single–never been married. So what’s up?” If these were keepers, what happened?

Malachi: Again, it had nothing to do with them. I mean, they were beautiful women–physically, as well as in terms of their character. But when I look back at it, it was me. I always came up with a reason not to get involved.

“WHAT CAN SISTERS DO MORE OF DURING SEX?”

Harold: They don’t like giving head. I’m just keeping it real.

Malachi: You need to hang out with me. [Laughter]

Harold: Honestly, Caucasian women I’ve messed with, they love doing it. Black women don’t do it freely. They find it disgusting. They don’t like it for some reason. I wish they would be more open.

Nick: We’ve all heard before that Black women do have certain inhibitions.

Malachi: Yeah, I’ve heard what you said, and I’ve heard it many times. I just personally don’t have that problem. And if you hear it enough times I guess there’s some truth to it. If I wanted head, I got head. Even if they didn’t like it, they didn’t show me that they didn’t like it because I don’t want bad head. That’s like having evil sex. And I don’t mess with White women.

Nick: Well, to flip it, there are certain things they say about Black men stereotypically about what we won’t do. So is there anything that you won’t do sexually?

Khalid: You can’t go downstairs on everybody.

George: I’m not doing the red-light district until I’m married.

Nick: So okay, you’re all acknowledging that you want them to do you when you want it, but you’re not going to do them?

Malachi: Absolutely. I’m one of those guys, yeah. [Laughter]

Khalid: And they’re fine with that?

Malachi: Well, they have no choice. I’m serious. There’s so much out there. But at the same time my problem is that Black men are the reason the Black culture in this country is all f–ed up–we aren’t strong like we should be. I don’t have to do sh–I don’t want to, because there’s a long line of women standing behind you.

“DO YOU WANT HER TO THINK THAT YOU’RE A GOOD LOVER?”

Malachi: Oh, absolutely. I can’t enjoy myself unless I know I’ve done some good work. I can’t give her bad d–. The pride thing is that, Okay, I hope I delivered. But the theory that I’ve got to bank on–because I don’t have the biggest d–in the world but it curves to the left and hits it just right [laughter]–is the reason she’s enjoying it as much as she is: It’s not because I’m the best, but because it’s me.

Nick: How about condoms and safe sex?

Malachi: I’m a safe guy. You kidding me?

Greg: What are condoms? [Laughs]

Nick: Okay, so it looks like we go from one end of the spectrum to the other over here.

Malachi: No, I’m a safety guy. Recently, though, with the young lady I’ve been with for the last two and a half years, it went from condom to freestyle in the park when a condom was not available. But it’s based on the relationship. If I go out somewhere tonight, you know, I’m definitely double-jimmying it.

“HOW DO YOU PRACTICE SAFE SEX? WHAT DO YOU DO ABOUT PREGNANCY PREVENTION?”

Malachi: Pull out real quick. [Laughter]

Nick: Greg, you said, “What’s a condom?” but you’re married. So no family planning?

Greg: We have family planning. She uses birth control, and when she comes off I use a condom. But we don’t usually use a condom, which is probably one of the benefits of marriage.

Harold: I’m a heavy condom user. I use condoms all the time. But I was in a relationship–well, I wasn’t really in a relationship with this female, we were sexual partners. But we were having sex with condoms for a while. She decided we should go to a clinic together and get tested to make sure we didn’t have any STDs. And she was on birth control. So we get tested, everything comes out clear, and I start having sex with her unprotected.

But I started thinking about it and hearing stories about other women getting pregnant having unprotected sex, but they’re still supposed to be on birth control. I was still kicking it with her, but I started using condoms instead of doing the whole unprotected thing. At this point in my life I just can’t see myself having a kid. I just get real scared.

Khalid: I hear when they tell me they’re on the Pill and all that stuff, but if I’m not sitting there with you when you pop that thing in your mouth, I don’t care what you tell me. I’ve got a brick of condoms in the trunk. [Laughs] I keep them all over the place. I keep them anywhere but her house. That’s the worst place to keep them. I don’t trust no woman.

“WHEN SHOULD A WOMAN WORRY ABOUT HER MAN’S PORN HABITS?”

Greg: it depends if he’s using it as an aid in the relationship or if he’s using it as a substitute for the relationship. If he’s using it to aid and maybe better the relationship, then I don’t think there’s anything to worry about. If he hides it, then I think that goes to something we mentioned earlier, the honesty. If you have it in your house, then be honest about it, be open about it. Why do you have it?

George: How do strip clubs play into that?

Malachi: I’ve never been to a strip club, so she knows she doesn’t have to worry about that from me. I don’t want the girls sitting on me. I’m like, don’t come sit on me ’cause I don’t know you like that.

“WOULD YOU CHEAT IF YOU COULDN’T GET CAUGHT?”

Harold: I feel like I would never get caught. In the six-year relationship I had with my high-school sweetheart, I cheated all the time. She thought I was the best guy, a good catch, high-school honor student. I was good. I went to college and had goals and aspirations in life. And I got away with it.

Malachi: My cheating has nothing to do with if I’m gonna get caught or not. You don’t cheat because you know you’re not gonna get caught. You cheat because she is fine.

Nick: What keeps you from cheating? Like in what situations, what kind of relationship don’t you want to cheat?

Greg: It really has more to do with my own values. I wouldn’t cheat because/would know and that matters more to me. You take a vow in marriage before man and God, and my feeling is that that’s important.

Nick: So a monogamous relationship is possible?

Greg: Absolutely. I’m not gonna say it’s easy. But it’s possible if you find that right person.

“WHAT DO YOU LOVE ABOUT BLACK WOMEN?”

George: I only indulge in Black women. It’s their character–even though some brothers can’t handle it, and run away from it. I think it strengthens you if you can stay. Some men feel attacked by them, but I know this makes real brothers strong. Black women have so much to offer.

Marcus: I’d like to say it’s the spice they bring to your life, you know? There was a time back when I was stationed in Korea and so many guys were talking about getting married to a Korean. I was a sergeant, so one of the guys who worked for me was getting married, and I said, “Man, why are you gonna do this?” He bad not been given any kind of respect by Black women coming up. So he was like, “Sarge, man, she treats me well and she does this and that.” I said, “But if you need a pet, man, get a dog or a cat.” No, I don’t think you can beat sisters.

Khalid: I love the “relation factor,” as in before I even tell you, you at least have a basic idea of where I’m coming from, an in-the-door understanding of me as a person. That’s always been something I’ve loved about Black women.

I’ve dated outside the race. To be honest with you, I don’t have a problem with Asians, Hispanics, Black, White, green. I don’t care. But based on all those different interactions with those different cultures, I honestly have to say that at least most of the time, when I’m with a Black woman, and I go to sleep at night, I can say my girl knew where I was coming from.

Malachi: Understand that the original womb was a Black woman. What stands out most for me is their inherent strength. The strongest person I know on the planet–and I’ve done some traveling and I’ve been into some serious situations–is my mother. And the second strongest is my sister. Before my aunt died, she was the third strongest. I won’t even tell you where the first man comes on that list.

Imagine someone drowning and you can’t save them and the pain you go through knowing that they’re going under. Look at what the Black man’s been through. And the Black woman’s been there, not being able to save us, but still there and strong. [Pauses] And they got big asses. [Laughter]

Nick: I knew somebody was gonna say that.

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So in conclusion to the above article the articleguy asked all “uninvited” women readers which of these four men would you choose if any and why?